I puked a lego.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
