I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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