She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just pee around me
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
