Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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