My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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