shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
