1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
