Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You have to summon your inner elephant
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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