I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
