When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize