everyone is single if you try hard enough
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize