you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
