Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
