just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
