i wish peter jackson would direct porn
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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