His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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