toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
you made out with another girl for some wings
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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