why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
