oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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