I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize