you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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