You're so nebulous sometimes
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize