i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
