my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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