Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
