ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
