Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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