I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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