My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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