This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
