i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
