Dual....:-)
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
