This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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