I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Church boner. Awkwardddd
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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