I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
