i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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