The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
