I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
