You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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