I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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