a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
My breasts were aching with rage.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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