I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Randomize
