Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
