I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
