Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
