whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
