I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
