Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Will exercising make me less horny?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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