life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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