I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
