apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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