I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
