My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
