I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
