Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize