why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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