I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize