Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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