Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
