wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize