my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
