when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
you would pick up someone in the library
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
