My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
