a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize